It’s been a very long time since I have written on this blog. I wanted to be more effective in writing my love advice and that came from doing some relationship research within my own relationship with Superman.
A relationship that has been long-term and has lasted many years does not establish 100% certainty. You continue to learn and grow with one another. New challenges surface and sometimes arguments can become persistent and cyclical. This is the result of needs not being met.
In order to meet one another’s needs, you can’t assume the other will be a mind reader. It takes listing them out. It takes thoughtful discussion. It takes mutual understanding.
Needs can come from a lot of places. I remember my high school drama teacher starting our first class with “Everyone has baggage. Some of us have large baggage, others have tiny ones but everyone has baggage”. I always thought of baggage as a bad thing, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be. I would consider baggage as part of our personality makeup. Baggage derives from upbringing, education, relationship experience and exposure to different perspectives, among other things. These experiences will shape our needs such as a need for security, intimacy and ego. Even those with seemingly perfect lives will have baggage. Think about it: those with no conflict in their lives may be simply avoiding it, even healthy conflict!
By understanding one another’s needs, it helps to shape better communication and growth. Someone who has a high security need may enjoy more future-focused conversations (this comes within reason, i.e. parenting skills vs. the colour of table cloth at your wedding). Someone who feels a need to protect their ego may benefit from not being constantly corrected on petty things. It also means if you want to be different from your past and want change, your relationship must also be different from your past and that takes work.
This comes with time but our need for love is balanced with our other needs. When you love someone, you need to love them at their core, unconditionally and endlessly.
The Modern Day Fairy Godmother