Kissing toads without finding a frog: why you’re still single

You’re at your friend’s wedding. You hear the beautiful vows and are happy to see that the bride and groom are in love. You stuff your face with food, attempt to dance it off but are thinking “When will my turn come?” Well you can either attempt to catch the bride’s bouquet or DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

This is not an article targeted for people who have consciously decided to be single as they have commitments to work, family or self improvement. I give credit to these people because they know that they can’t give a relationship their all and won’t waste any time.

On the contrary, the subject here is the people who are playing the “poor me, I’m so alone” card. Frankly, I get tired of hearing these stories and have no more sympathy for this issue. I strongly believe that not being able to find the perfect person can be the result of three issues: problems with self, problems with who you are attracted to and problems with where you are looking for people.

“Love thy neighbour as thyself”. We have heard this quote multiple times but it’s true. You should love others but can you give love to someone else if you don’t love yourself? Insecurity is one of the key reasons as to why you’re still single. Insecurity can derive from a bad childhood, a bad relationship, you name it but these are all things from the past. Leave your demons behind you. Let the people who bring you down go. Surround yourself with positive energy. Write daily mantras to uplift your spirits. People can smell desperation which usually stems from insecurity. This is how rebounding comes to be (a vice I used to be very much guilty of) since we want to ignore the feeling associated with rejection. Don’t allow others to validate your identity. Work on these issues and when you are at your happiest, then it will be time to consider a relationship. Your significant other will appreciate this too.

Also, look at who you are being attracted to. Are you compromising your core values in favour of someone who is good-looking? Are you giving someone a chance because you believe there is not much out there? If yes, then stop what you are doing because it will lead you to a dead end. Don’t discriminate love based on race, age, salary or career. Find out who the person is at their core and see if it aligns with who you are. Then, you know if they are right for you. Trust me, I wouldn’t be with my boyfriend today if I didn’t venture out from my old type: uncommitted, conceited and reminiscent of guys on Jersey Shore.

Finally, where you are looking for that special someone is key. If you want someone who wants commitment, going to a club is not the way to do it. Network through friends. Go out to a nice restaurant or pub. Try an online website with high marriage rates. Most importantly, get yourself out there! You can’t just sit at home and think that your soulmate will be knocking on your door. Be proactive about your love life and feel sexy, not sleazy.

Insecurity, attraction issues and improper meetings. These are what I like to call The Single Person’s Bermuda Triangle. Get out before you get lost.

Sincerely,
The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

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Cute, fun and inexpensive date ideas

You want to impress on a first date or want to do something special for your significant other but don’t know how without becoming broke? Here are a few ideas for how to kindle the romantic fire without burning a hole in your wallet:

  1. Make dinner together or have a picnic. It doesn’t have to be a filet mignon night, just whatever is in the fridge and get creative. If you want, find a simple recipe online, go grocery shopping together and then get cooking. You are working together and soon you will see if you are a true team or nothing but opponents. Add some candles and dim the lights or have dinner outside where you can either see the sunset or later on when you can go stargazing afterwards.
  2. Movie marathon. If the weather is bad outside, this idea is perfect. Whether you are both Rocky or Disney fans, a movie marathon creates a great time for bonding. Even if you both have different tastes, you can alternate between each other’s favourite movies and comment on what you like or didn’t like about them afterwards. Get your favourite munchies out as well. It also works as a great excuse to wear comfy clothes and not have to buy an expensive outfit for a formal dinner.
  3. Go on a hike. The weather is getting nicer so why not enjoy it while getting a bit of exercise for your new swimsuit body too? Instead of going to the movies, staring at a big screen and not being able to talk to each other, this idea will help you both to talk about things that interest you. This was my first date with my boyfriend and we ended up talking about so much. Also, if it starts to rain, you can sneak a kiss in.
  4. Scrapbook. Remember all those little mementos that you kept? Scrapbook them with your significant other. Put in photos and little descriptions of what you both thought of the moment. That way on your milestones, you can look back at the scrapbook and see how far you both have come.
  5. Board Game Night. Get you, your significant other, your friends (both taken and single) together and have a fun night of playing board games. Make it a BYOG (bring your own game) and you will have fun playing your childhood favourites while learning new games as well.

 

If you have any fun ideas to share, leave a comment. Otherwise, give these a try and let me know how they go!

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

By The Modern Day Fairy Godmother Posted in dating life

International Day Against Homophobia: How the fight for love should never be a fight

Today, May 17th, is the International Day Against Homophobia and I support my LGBTQ brothers and sisters in the fight against homophobia.

Like I have said in this website, love in its purest form is not that complicated. So why should we make it complicated by deciding who a person can love or not love?

I had to explain my views to countless people with homophobic opinions in my lifetime. Homophobia seems to be derived from traditional, uninformed, unchallenged and ignorant ways of thinking that have been passed down from generation to generation.

I have nothing against traditional religious values as I was raised in a devout Roman Catholic family. However, I would encourage others to research objectively rather than subjectively multiple versions of scriptures. If God loved his creation, why would He not allow love to happen?

The crucial finding is that homophobia is largely based on a lack of education. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that homophobia is derived from masked homosexuality. By studying sociology, I have learned that sexuality is not linear but on a continuum, hence why bisexuality comes into play. As well, gender is not determined by sexual features but rather what gender roles society has created for us, hence why our transgender and transsexual friends exist.

I used to be homophobic. I was influenced by some members of my family who were the same. I would fear becoming friends with a lesbian if they were to hit on me and I would be scared to ask questions about homosexuality in case of embarrassment or shame. The majority of teenagers before they turn 18 will question their sexuality because at a young age, you are still trying to figure yourself and the world out.

I always have been heterosexual and am now comfortable with my sexuality that I can ask questions about heterosexuality and homosexuality without any issue. Being out of high school also helps as you are more exposed to other views about life.

I have asked my LGBTQ friends about their views of gender roles, relationship problems, coming out and the like. The other day, actually, I asked one of my gay best friends a question that boggled my mind.

Some people in my life have made claims that in every relationship, whether heterosexual or homosexual, there is a masculine figure and a feminine figure. I asked my friend if this was true.

He claimed that it was not and that idea promotes heteronormativity (the idea that a relationship can only exist between two genders: male and female. Note that I did not say sex as gender is a role while sex is biological).

Being an educated and informed citizen, therefore, is important to me. However, I find that this approach should be implemented in schools, especially secular schools.

When my brother was in grade eight, he was a student of a Catholic elementary school. He was learning about sexual education and innocently asked his teacher how gay people have sex. An honest question that could have been answered maturely and intelligently.

If I were that teacher, I would have simply given a biological answer and said that for gay men, instead of inserting a penis into the vagina, the penis is inserted into the anus and if a student were to ask how lesbians have sex, I know that I could not give a definite answer as pop culture does not give any definite definitions but I would at least attempt or be honest and say that I have no knowledge of that matter.

HOWEVER, his teacher told my brother that she could not tell him the answer and my brother had to find out about it by asking my father.

The Catholic school board may claim that homosexuality should not be taught in schools as it is considered a sin in the bible. On the contrary, these students will have careers in a society that is not necessarily predominantly Catholic and I agree that in secular schools, they should be taught about their religion but they should be educated about the world around them as well.

What is so wrong about letting same-sex couples be together and marry and raise a child? Love does not discriminate so why should people?

Although I tell personal love stories from the point of view of a heterosexual female, my advice is relatable and not gender-specific. After all, people are complicated and so is any type of relationship.

” Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”-1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

People should act the same way.

By The Modern Day Fairy Godmother Posted in self-love

Sketchingitis: n. (pronounced sketch-in-gitis) A terrible condition that everyone should know!

Remember when you were in that relationship when everything with you and your significant other was amazing? How romantic they were, how everything was better and you couldn’t ask for more? Suddenly, they start avoiding you like the plague, getting irritable every time you ask them if something is wrong and BAM! They dump you like Kim Kardashian dumped her ex-husband.

Why does this happen? These are just the mere symptoms of a condition I’d like to call sketchingitis.

Sketchingitis happens when your significant other is not in a stable place in their lives. They are most likely to be insecure and feel like they have to prove themselves.

Let me give you a few personal examples.

My high school boyfriend (let’s call him Vince) had me fooled by sketchingitis. We started out as friends and seemed like a pretty cool guy. We were dating for quite some time and then we decided to be in a relationship. During the dating process, I saw absolutely nothing wrong with the guy but you know when something is too good to be true? It usually is!

The first three months of the relationship were completely honeymoon. However, after that, he started acting like he needed to be superior all the time and made subtle put-downs. Then in the last month of our relationship, he started avoiding me by making excuses in order to not spend time with me and when I could tell something was wrong, he responded with “I’m going through things right now and when I’m ready to tell you, I’m ready”. When I would open up about my own issues in hope that maybe he would feel comfortable in sharing his, he would tell me that he doesn’t need to hear my problems since he has enough of his own.

Catching me off guard back when I was seventeen, he broke up with me without a solid reason.

Shortly afterwards when we tried to be friends (rarely ever works!), he confessed to me that before me, he used to make up girlfriends. It explained why during our relationship, his friends would yell out “She’s real!” He also had some family issues that brought him down but he opened up about his issues a little too late since the damage was done and there was no way I was getting back into that relationship.

So why did Vince get a case of sketchingitis? He was a high school guy who didn’t know who he was which goes to show that if you or your significant other are having major insecurities that are affecting your relationship for longer than just the initial months, you or your significant other shouldn’t be in the relationship at that time. Relationships require vulnerability, that’s how the “relation” in “relationship” comes into play. In fairness, I was going through my own family issues and had trust issues from past heartbreaks that I couldn’t get over. Therefore, in hindsight, I realized that I also was not ready for a relationship either as I was not on stable ground. We were just two high school kids who had no clue about ourselves, love nor the world around us.

I know, I know, you may say “high school relationships rarely last” and I couldn’t agree more. You may also say that how does this example relate to adult dating? Let me give you a more current example.

My last ex-boyfriend (let’s call him Drew) was definitely ridden in sketchingitis from the start. I knew Drew from elementary school and decided to add him on Facebook to reconnect as friends. I thought that he was attractive but I saw that he was a party animal, something that I am not, and one of my closest friends warned me about him. I considered letting the idea of letting him pursue me go but his flirting ways got the best of me. Drew explicitly told me that he had been around the block quite a few times and loved getting drunk. That was something that used to be non-negotiable for me but I shrugged my doubts aside in order to have an open mind.

He was definitely a charmer. It was a very brief time that we were dating before we got into a relationship. After all, he was saying all the right things, right?

When we got into our brief relationship, I couldn’t have an intellectual conversation with him as he only wanted to talk about sexual desires. It was as if the porn energizer bunny took over. All I would hear, day in and day out after his long days at work were nothing short of how Drew wanted to assassinate my a**. Then, he became major PDA. He just wanted to make out anywhere, anytime and that was uncomfortable. I was the one person that he was not getting lucky with any time soon and the major PDA was an attempt to compensate for his blown ego.

He then left for a vacation to Cuba to just unwind and see some of his family members down there. I couldn’t get a hold of him and he only contacted me once. Drew made every excuse in the book why he couldn’t contact me and did his best to cut off any method of contact or any source of knowledge of what he was doing. Shortly before he returned from Cuba, he got a hold of me and we spoke. He tried to be romantic by saying “I just miss your smile and being able to hold you” but then resorted back to his sexual potty mouth.

One day, I woke up before an 8.5 hour shift at work to a message on my phone telling me that he cannot be in a relationship right now and like Vince, wouldn’t give me a solid, genuine reason as to why.

Now, I do know. He was impulsive, materialistic and narcissistic and I was drawn by what I thought was attention given to me. Instead, it was just a fuel for his own ego.

So how can you avoid getting hurt by sketchingitis? Here are a few tips:

  1. If you or your significant other are still affected by heartbreak or are dealing with an unfortunate event that has happened in your lives, it’s not the right time to enter a relationship.
  2. If you are not accepting who you are as a person both inside and out and still need to discover yourself, don’t enter a relationship and don’t get into a relationship with someone with the same dilemma.
  3. When in doubt, get out! If you are having doubts about if you are okay with a person’s vices and they are to the point where you don’t see something serious coming out of it (unless it’s something meant to be only casual), don’t think about it for a second! Listen to your gut.

Overall, if you nor your significant other are ready to give 100%, avoid sketchingitis and don’t enter the relationship.

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

By The Modern Day Fairy Godmother Posted in dating life