Remember when you were in that relationship when everything with you and your significant other was amazing? How romantic they were, how everything was better and you couldn’t ask for more? Suddenly, they start avoiding you like the plague, getting irritable every time you ask them if something is wrong and BAM! They dump you like Kim Kardashian dumped her ex-husband.
Why does this happen? These are just the mere symptoms of a condition I’d like to call sketchingitis.
Sketchingitis happens when your significant other is not in a stable place in their lives. They are most likely to be insecure and feel like they have to prove themselves.
Let me give you a few personal examples.
My high school boyfriend (let’s call him Vince) had me fooled by sketchingitis. We started out as friends and seemed like a pretty cool guy. We were dating for quite some time and then we decided to be in a relationship. During the dating process, I saw absolutely nothing wrong with the guy but you know when something is too good to be true? It usually is!
The first three months of the relationship were completely honeymoon. However, after that, he started acting like he needed to be superior all the time and made subtle put-downs. Then in the last month of our relationship, he started avoiding me by making excuses in order to not spend time with me and when I could tell something was wrong, he responded with “I’m going through things right now and when I’m ready to tell you, I’m ready”. When I would open up about my own issues in hope that maybe he would feel comfortable in sharing his, he would tell me that he doesn’t need to hear my problems since he has enough of his own.
Catching me off guard back when I was seventeen, he broke up with me without a solid reason.
Shortly afterwards when we tried to be friends (rarely ever works!), he confessed to me that before me, he used to make up girlfriends. It explained why during our relationship, his friends would yell out “She’s real!” He also had some family issues that brought him down but he opened up about his issues a little too late since the damage was done and there was no way I was getting back into that relationship.
So why did Vince get a case of sketchingitis? He was a high school guy who didn’t know who he was which goes to show that if you or your significant other are having major insecurities that are affecting your relationship for longer than just the initial months, you or your significant other shouldn’t be in the relationship at that time. Relationships require vulnerability, that’s how the “relation” in “relationship” comes into play. In fairness, I was going through my own family issues and had trust issues from past heartbreaks that I couldn’t get over. Therefore, in hindsight, I realized that I also was not ready for a relationship either as I was not on stable ground. We were just two high school kids who had no clue about ourselves, love nor the world around us.
I know, I know, you may say “high school relationships rarely last” and I couldn’t agree more. You may also say that how does this example relate to adult dating? Let me give you a more current example.
My last ex-boyfriend (let’s call him Drew) was definitely ridden in sketchingitis from the start. I knew Drew from elementary school and decided to add him on Facebook to reconnect as friends. I thought that he was attractive but I saw that he was a party animal, something that I am not, and one of my closest friends warned me about him. I considered letting the idea of letting him pursue me go but his flirting ways got the best of me. Drew explicitly told me that he had been around the block quite a few times and loved getting drunk. That was something that used to be non-negotiable for me but I shrugged my doubts aside in order to have an open mind.
He was definitely a charmer. It was a very brief time that we were dating before we got into a relationship. After all, he was saying all the right things, right?
When we got into our brief relationship, I couldn’t have an intellectual conversation with him as he only wanted to talk about sexual desires. It was as if the porn energizer bunny took over. All I would hear, day in and day out after his long days at work were nothing short of how Drew wanted to assassinate my a**. Then, he became major PDA. He just wanted to make out anywhere, anytime and that was uncomfortable. I was the one person that he was not getting lucky with any time soon and the major PDA was an attempt to compensate for his blown ego.
He then left for a vacation to Cuba to just unwind and see some of his family members down there. I couldn’t get a hold of him and he only contacted me once. Drew made every excuse in the book why he couldn’t contact me and did his best to cut off any method of contact or any source of knowledge of what he was doing. Shortly before he returned from Cuba, he got a hold of me and we spoke. He tried to be romantic by saying “I just miss your smile and being able to hold you” but then resorted back to his sexual potty mouth.
One day, I woke up before an 8.5 hour shift at work to a message on my phone telling me that he cannot be in a relationship right now and like Vince, wouldn’t give me a solid, genuine reason as to why.
Now, I do know. He was impulsive, materialistic and narcissistic and I was drawn by what I thought was attention given to me. Instead, it was just a fuel for his own ego.
So how can you avoid getting hurt by sketchingitis? Here are a few tips:
- If you or your significant other are still affected by heartbreak or are dealing with an unfortunate event that has happened in your lives, it’s not the right time to enter a relationship.
- If you are not accepting who you are as a person both inside and out and still need to discover yourself, don’t enter a relationship and don’t get into a relationship with someone with the same dilemma.
- When in doubt, get out! If you are having doubts about if you are okay with a person’s vices and they are to the point where you don’t see something serious coming out of it (unless it’s something meant to be only casual), don’t think about it for a second! Listen to your gut.
Overall, if you nor your significant other are ready to give 100%, avoid sketchingitis and don’t enter the relationship.
The Modern Day Fairy Godmother