How I Escaped the Abuse of Patriarchy

How I Escaped the Abuse of Patriarchy

At this time of year, I usually write about how in love I am with Superman and how I am looking forward to 2018. While this is all true, 2018 is a new beginning for me for a different reason.

As many of my readers are aware, I have had a rocky relationship with my father. I started writing this blog in 2013 but the issues have started since 2011. Many of my sentiments are echoed in my post in June 2016: Why breaking ties with my father was the best thing to happen to me

I gave my father a second chance in October 2016. I thought he was a changed man, even though I had to be the first to contact him. It would take time but it would be okay. After all, “he said sorry, right?”

That last sentence just gave me chills. It is the haunting tale of women who attempt to escape domestic abuse and are lured back through manipulation. It is exactly what happened to me.

I thought that we were getting better. My father would call from time to time but his efforts were very superficial. It was as if I had to reconcile my previous decision to cut him out of my life even though I gave him the chance to make things right.

He continued to never give me the benefit of the doubt when something went awry. Despite my honest explanations, he was a better legal professional than me by always cross-examining me ad nauseam. I thought I could just tolerate him and his wife, simply put it past me because I did not have to see them often. I felt like my conscience would not be clean if something were to happen to him and I cut him out of my life. Then, I thought what was impossible happened: he hurt Superman.

Superman was the only man I dated that my father actually liked. Superman seemed to get along with him too but when he went out of his way for my father, he was quick to criticize the flaws in the finished product despite our desire to repair it. Instead of oversight, we were painted as deceitful, vindictive people. I couldn’t imagine that a man with a golden heart could ever be depicted that way.

Some people could say to get rid of Superman and the problem would disappear. It really wouldn’t because even though my family tried to get blackmail on Superman, the issue really lied with me. My father thought I was whispering in Superman’s ear and he wanted to educate me on the perception that I was giving. Perception should not matter when you have known someone for almost three decades of their life.

I continue to get harassed by phone from my grandmother about how I should not forget whose blood I have, as if my mother was never involved in my birth, and how they did nothing wrong. I tried to consult these family members for advice and they failed me by simply saying to sweep it under the rug and forget about it.

You may have emotional bruises but just cover them up.

You may have psychological scars but let them go: they have been there for a very long time.

This is when I knew that I had to leave.

I received a lot of backlash from this decision, especially since I made an attempt last year. No one took me seriously.

She will change her mind.

It’s always been like this.

Your father is your father.

How does this empower anyone to escape abuse? I was asked what would happen if something were to happen to my father. I answered that I did try to make things work and my father died when I was 18 years old. A bit of a morbid statement to make but it is the truth. I do not know who the man is that has replaced the one who cared for me during my childhood. That man has disappeared.

I have cut everyone out that supports this manipulative behaviour, which I did not do last time. I received messages as if nothing ever happened and wondering if I was coming to the next special occasion. Love is not about obedience and attendance. Love is understanding and acceptance of others regardless of differences. This family was not about love. It was about keeping all of their ducks in one row.

My paternal family has always relayed it back to religion and have told me how it was a sin to not have my father in my life. I have spoken to a priest who has told me that avoidance is not a sin, especially if people are severely confused and cause nothing but conflict. He hopes that things could work out one day but that would have to be initiated by my father, which would take a true miracle.

I hope that my future children will understand my choice in this and how I want to break the cycle of abuse for them. I wish that they will know love in the quality of our family and not the quantity. I can only pray that they understand what a strong, independent and loving woman their mother will be.

This is how I choose to live in 2018 and every year thereafter: with love, joy and laughter.

Wishing you all the best in 2018!

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

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Do Not Expect People to Love You How You Love Yourself

Do Not Expect People to Love You How You Love Yourself

Do not expect people to love you.

I am not saying this to be cold-hearted or cynical.

You just should not expect people to love you in the ways you  should love yourself.

Why not make your love for yourself the greatest love?

It is not an easy journey, this is certain.

It is a journey that goes on every day.

But why  fill a void with someone else when you need to be whole in and of yourself?

It is easier, that’s why.

Although it takes great effort, the result is the reward. Love yourself so deeply that another loving you is not only different but complimentary. 

 

Both Teacher and Student

Both Teacher and Student

Love was a self-educated concept. 

I grew up in a house that was ruled under an iron fist. The motto was ” Do as I say, not as I do”. I guess they meant well but were they role models for learning about love? Not really.

Everything got framed around a warped definition of unconditional love. The screaming, the derogatory comments, the infidelity, the corporal punishment and the heavy manipulation. Yup, these “mere imperfections” could all be ignored because we all love each other. 

This illogical reasoning allowed me to excuse abusive behaviour from both love interests and relatives. It was only after years of advising others of their own self-respect and self-worth that I had a realization:

I should practice what I preach. 

I got into my 20s, after an extremely emotionally abusive relationship, and I chose to reinvent myself. I soul searched, got into a healthier state of mind and took care of myself, encompassing everything that entailed. 

People called me a bad ass, a bitch, a selfless woman who would only intimidate men. I called it empowerment and that was the truth. 

I don’t let things go too easily, which can be my best quality and my worst fault. However, I don’t accept disrespect, even when my defence is not perfect, but can you blame me? I had to be both student and teacher! 

By learning from myself, I achieved responsibility by owning up to my own mistakes and became my own role model. It is through this imperfect learning process that I take pride in my current success. 

Life’s good but I had to work to make it that way.

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother 

Why Breaking Ties with My Father was the Best Thing to Happen to Me

Why Breaking Ties with My Father was the Best Thing to Happen to Me

This Father’s Day had a sting to it. For the first time in over twenty years, my father did not get a warm wish, big hug, or a card with a gift from me. In fact, he probably  had no idea what I was doing today. That is because a little over a week ago, I had cut ties with my father.

I understand the severity of that decision and I had thought about it for almost a month before making it. These past five years, I have been on an emotional roller coaster with my father.  I do not know the person he has become and there has been that inner emotional conflict, resulting from desperately needing the father with whom I was raised. I always held hope that he would want to spend time with me, get to know me and be proud of me. Five years later, I have lost that hope.

Somehow along the way, my father shifted from being involved to being disengaged. I went from hearing his loud whistle at every Christmas concert I performed at to reminding him what I had been studying at university for the past five years. I can no longer have a coffee with him without it turning into a lecture of how I am an imperfect daughter and can never do anything right. Any issue I have with him becomes my fault.

As the result of his actions, he is missing out on many special events in life. He has just missed my graduation and he will miss my future occasions such as getting my first job, my first home, getting married and having kids. The worst thing is that he won’t care. He has become very self-centred and it is not something I can tolerate.

Then, I realized that the horrible relationships that I have been in before mirrored the relationship I had with my father. I sought approval and validation that I lost myself. It took me a while to accept that I am a great person who has truly excelled. I had to learn how to do it without expecting a pat on the shoulder or someone jumping up and down. I had to be happy for myself. I had to break the cycle so that my future children will never experience this.

I have grown quite tired of appeasing everyone and being in my mid 20s, it is about time that I put my emotional well-being first. To all the people who have left abusive relationships, I commend you because it takes so much strength out of you, especially in my case where the love is still there. I have understood that you cannot change people unless they want to change themselves. I have a future ahead of me and I cannot permit toxicity to affect it.

Maybe I should just go love myself.

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

What to Do If You’re Single for 2016

What to Do If You’re Single for 2016

Hello everyone,

 

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas/holiday! I have been addressing advice for couples for a while that I thought it would be a nice change to talk about single individuals and give some advice there.

Being single during the holidays can sometimes feel like a prison sentence. You just avoided the mistletoe and questions about when you will get a girlfriend/boyfriend/married. Now, 2016 approaches and you can’t help but see all the couples canoodling. Although there is nothing more you would rather do than make out with the cutie you met at the club an hour ago, it’s probably not the best idea, especially after a recent breakup. Here are some tips to make the end of 2015 and the start of 2016 the best it can be:

  1. Spend time with your family. If they are not too annoying. Sometimes, realizing that there are more important things than a significant other brightens your mood. Also, you are not paying crazy prices for amazing homemade food and a place to sleep.
  2. Have a house party with your friends. Club cover charge? Forget it! Have the fun at home. Order in a pizza, play some board games or drinking games, and dance the night away while counting down until midnight. You will find that you had more fun this way than by doing anything else.
  3. Spend time volunteering for a local charity, such as a soup kitchen. It will be good to realize that there are worse things than being single during the holidays.
  4. Do something fun other than getting sweaty with half-naked people at a club. Go bowling. Gather your friends and go to a pub. Go watch a movie. Whatever you do, delete your ex’s phone number. No one wants a 2016 to start with regrets.

Being single is never a bad thing. Don’t treat it like it is.

Have a wonderful 2016!

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

Why they are NEVER out of your league

Why they are NEVER out of your league

I have been hearing a lot of people say that “she’s out of my league”, “he’s out of her league”, etc. I remember even in high school, I liked this guy and got bummed about him not liking me back. My (ex-) friend’s excuse? He was out of my league.

I am going to tell you something so extraordinary that it may just blow your mind:

SCREW THE LEAGUE! 

I’m serious. If they can’t embrace the amazing person that is fun, interesting and as nice as yourself, they don’t deserve your time and effort. No one is so almighty that there are limitations on seeing if they are interested in you and if they do think that way, they seriously need a reality check. 

There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you like. However, if you put labels such as leagues around you, you actually, in turn, become less attractive, desirable and unapproachable. Egos don’t help anyone. 

Be confident in yourself and you will attract the right person for you. Superman is my dream man but it was only when I started to truly love myself that I found him. The right person will love you for you because for them, love is not a sport with leagues. Love is for life. 

If it doesn’t work out, don’t blame yourself for something as a bad first date. Learn from it and realize it wasn’t meant to be. 

Sincerely, 

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother 

Media Love vs. True Love

Media Love vs. True Love

It’s no surprise that the media portrays a very unrealistic version of love. However, it is a surprise of how young the media is targeting.

Today, I was doing some notes and working on some networking projects. My stepbrother (8 years old) and my stepsister (11 years old) went through a marathon of shows on family channel. We watched:
Good Luck Charlie
Jessie
ANT Farm
And The Next Step.

Although these shows can be quite funny and adorable at times, they carried messages that did not promote a healthy relationship. Some behaviours included:
making someone jealous to get back together
Putting someone through impossible tests
Liking someone only for their high status
Making people remember minuscule details

If I were a parent, I would boycott these shows. Where is the confidence, the forgiveness, the sincerity and the unconditional love that is needed in healthy relationships and marriages?

No wonder divorce is a common option.

Sincerely,
The Modern Day Fairy Godmother