Shut Up and Listen

Shut Up and Listen

Over the course of the past three years, I have realized that I have written a lot about listening in regards to its importance and value. However, it is very easy to listen when you do not have any need to speak!

A couple of weeks ago, Superman and I got into an argument. We are very strong-minded people, which is why we butt heads more than the average couple in spite of our immense love for one another. That strong-mindedness translates into stubbornness very quickly.

I have been in a relationship with Superman for almost two years and in many ways, I know him very well but in many other ways, I do not. I am learning about him every day: how he communicates, how he deals with tough times, what pushes his buttons and what unexpectedly upsets him. I think it is very easy to take advantage of our significant other. We expect a lot out of them without stopping to think “Am I living up to the same standards?”

As we were having our argument, I just stopped talking and heard him out. I realized that there was a deeper meaning than what he was simply saying. I took a moment and asked him if he felt appreciated. He told me that he did not and I realized then that I should give more credit than I do now.

How would I know that if I did not take the time to just shut up and listen? Truthfully, I would not have. Sometimes life gets so busy that we just expect things to flow rather than appreciating why they flow and what makes them so good. Most arguments are just noise and instead of just hearing yourself speak, consider another perspective.

Become a better listener. Trust me, you will gain the same respect once you give it to others.

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

 

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Why Breaking Ties with My Father was the Best Thing to Happen to Me

Why Breaking Ties with My Father was the Best Thing to Happen to Me

This Father’s Day had a sting to it. For the first time in over twenty years, my father did not get a warm wish, big hug, or a card with a gift from me. In fact, he probably  had no idea what I was doing today. That is because a little over a week ago, I had cut ties with my father.

I understand the severity of that decision and I had thought about it for almost a month before making it. These past five years, I have been on an emotional roller coaster with my father.  I do not know the person he has become and there has been that inner emotional conflict, resulting from desperately needing the father with whom I was raised. I always held hope that he would want to spend time with me, get to know me and be proud of me. Five years later, I have lost that hope.

Somehow along the way, my father shifted from being involved to being disengaged. I went from hearing his loud whistle at every Christmas concert I performed at to reminding him what I had been studying at university for the past five years. I can no longer have a coffee with him without it turning into a lecture of how I am an imperfect daughter and can never do anything right. Any issue I have with him becomes my fault.

As the result of his actions, he is missing out on many special events in life. He has just missed my graduation and he will miss my future occasions such as getting my first job, my first home, getting married and having kids. The worst thing is that he won’t care. He has become very self-centred and it is not something I can tolerate.

Then, I realized that the horrible relationships that I have been in before mirrored the relationship I had with my father. I sought approval and validation that I lost myself. It took me a while to accept that I am a great person who has truly excelled. I had to learn how to do it without expecting a pat on the shoulder or someone jumping up and down. I had to be happy for myself. I had to break the cycle so that my future children will never experience this.

I have grown quite tired of appeasing everyone and being in my mid 20s, it is about time that I put my emotional well-being first. To all the people who have left abusive relationships, I commend you because it takes so much strength out of you, especially in my case where the love is still there. I have understood that you cannot change people unless they want to change themselves. I have a future ahead of me and I cannot permit toxicity to affect it.

Maybe I should just go love myself.

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

Self-Realizations

Self-Realizations

I have had many people say to me before I was in my current relationship that when you are in a relationship, you learn more about yourself. I never believed it until now and I feel like it is when you have an argument with your significant other that this type of learning takes place.

One would think that they would learn more about the other person when this happens such as what you can or cannot tolerate as well as how the other person handles certain situations. However, it is the very notion of disagreeing, feeling hurt and being upset that you realize how YOU are acting, what YOUR needs are and if this is beneficial to the both of you.

Recently, I have realized that I am emotionally impulsive. It wasn’t always this way but with being forced to bottle up many emotions as a kid, now it can be a loose cannon. I can have a hard time letting things slide or giving people the benefit of the doubt because I fear being duped like I have been in the past. What I am starting to realize is that my past is not my present nor future; otherwise, they would have been called the same thing.

Being emotionally impulsive has its perks though. I am the type of friend that would stay up all night with you despite having a very important job interview in the morning because you need me to lend a shoulder to cry on. It also means that I am very expressive and enjoy showing my delight and excitement in something.

I love Superman. In 8 days, we will have known each other for two years and it is pretty incredible. Nevertheless, I have come to the slow realization that he is not me and he is not emotionally impulsive. This can present its challenges because he is not one to be on the phone late at night unless it is a dire emergency and likes to think things through. We bump heads because when he advises me to sleep on it, I would rather him say that [insert name here] is a fucking turd and that he will be right there to share in my BIT over exaggerated anger in that moment. Actually, he is quite the opposite: Superman is rationally impulsive. He’s a quick decision maker and sometimes I need a bit of a longer time before deciding but hey, if we were the same person, I would be dating myself.

When you learn about yourself, you learn about how to work with one another’s strengths and weaknesses. He is learning to be more emotionally attentive and I am slowly learning to take a deep breath before reacting to some undesirable news (I guess I can yell if he throws all my shoes in the garbage one day, right?).

No one is perfect. Don’t pretend to be.

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

I Can Live Without You

I Can Live Without You

They say that you should marry the person you can’t live without.
I can live without you. I can get my tired ass up to eat my three 400 calorie meals a day, slave over essays and spend mind numbing hours at work. 
I can still succeed because I’m a hard worker and was before you came into my life. 
I can still be happy because you are not the sole root of my happiness. My happiness began with myself and the people and things in my life are the branches.
But…
Who would I share my triumphs, sorrows and challenges with? Sure I can share those with friends and family but there is something truly unique about your understanding, encouragement and support. 
Who would make me laugh and smile so much that I felt like I was dating a childhood best friend? No one truly ignites my soul like you do. 
Who would inspire me with their ambition, creativity and passion? I have people in my life but no one I really consider so similar to me.
One can get used to lack of companionship, affection and attention. At the same time, a tired, miserable couple can live with one another, even though they are reluctant to do so.
You are not my addiction nor a filling of a void, so my love for you isn’t a sedation for a hatred of living my own life. 
You’re in my life because simply YOU are in my life and that is what I love. 
So in these ways, yes I can live without you but why the hell would I WANT to? 

I love you Superman ❤️

TMDFG

When You Know You’re Serious, It’s Not Too Serious

When You Know You’re Serious, It’s Not Too Serious

I have known that since day one that my relationship with Superman was serious. He took a while to ask me to be his girlfriend because he said that he dates in order to end in marriage and we have been together for almost two years, so it’s no secret that we see a future being married to one another.

We were both looking for a serious relationship and that’s what we received. However, it didn’t really settle in for me until after he sat down with my dad, my stepmother and my stepsiblings. Superman met most of my family but I felt there was something missing with him not meeting my dad’s side of the family. After that happened, I just fell more in love with him.

It was only when Superman pointed it out that I realized that I was speaking a lot about marriage since then. I was at first worried that I was scaring him but he said that he thought that it was cute. The only thing he recommended is for me to be patient in order for our lives to perfectly align, such as advancing his career and starting mine.

I called my grandmother today and she gave me heck that I had not introduced Superman to her yet. I told her that I promise I will in time. We spoke about my postgraduate plans and my career. Her instinctual response was “soon enough, you will finish school, start working full time and get married”. For some people, comments like those would freak them out. I just met it with a smile.

That’s why I say that when you know you’re serious with someone, it’s not a serious, scary ordeal. It’s inevitable and that’s when you know that you have found the one.

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

We have officially reached over 3000 views!

We have officially reached over 3000 views!

Hey everyone!

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother has officially reached over 3000 views! This is amazing 🙂 Thank you all for your support and kind words. I would like to reach 10,000 views by the end of the year, so we will see what happens.

Wishing you and your loved ones a Happy Valentine’s Day!

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

Why Understanding is More Important than Agreeing

Why Understanding is More Important than Agreeing

Hello everyone!

 

It has been a while since I have written and I have missed it. Has anyone else experienced the start of 2016 as nothing but go-go-go? I know I have!

I was just reflecting on the past year and speaking with my grandmother about relationships. I remembered an argument my boyfriend and I had at Subway just a few days after Christmas. I couldn’t remember what it was about, which means it probably wasn’t worth arguing over. I remember just telling him that I wasn’t a fan of something but I understood where he was coming from. He thanked me and asked me if it was so difficult for me to understand rather than creating a huge argument over something so petty?

Nowadays, we emphasize compromise in our relationships but remember to compromise and not sacrifice. It’s perfectly okay not to agree. After all, you are different people and if you were the same, you would be dating yourself.

You are going to hear opinions that will challenge your way of thinking and doing things. It’s inevitable. What matters most is that if the topic is particularly sensitive to person with whom you are speaking, it is important to empathize and show understanding. You may not agree with the actions they wish to take but if you agree with their perspective and the goodness of their intentions, understanding is crucial to building the RELATION part of your relationship. It’s not about debating; it’s about listening and giving your attention to the person.

My grandmother is going to be 70 years old next month and has been married for 54 years. She told me that in every marriage, it shouldn’t be 50-50, a man should have 51%, as the result of more financial responsibility, and a woman should have 49%. Although I strongly disagree with this theory, I understand the principle behind it as she explained further: don’t let pride nor anger get in the way of love. In this way, I revise my grandmother’s outdated and traditional theory: it should be 49-49 as there’s is going to be give and take and someone is going to use that extra 1 or 2% at times.

My grandmother says that there are five elements to a good relationship and marriage:

Patience

Cooperation

Trust

Loyalty

and Love.

Those things will never be outdated.

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother