What your children are thinking of your second marriage

You are getting remarried. You have either divorced or had your spouse pass away but you have found someone truly special and with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.

If you have children, this decision can bring up many mixed emotions. If your spouse-to-be has a good relationship with them, it is often easier to move into that transition of having a stepparent around. Nevertheless, it’s a change and change can be met positively, negatively, or both, all at once.

My father got married this weekend. We had been planning the wedding for months and it was definitely a change for all of the four kids. My father and stepmother have lived together for the past few years and a marriage was not a big change in lifestyle. It was the matter of ups and downs I had with my stepmother, her changing her last name to mine and of course, just the general concept that I was witnessing my father getting married, something that as a kid, you do not imagine because your parents are already married.

I am very happy for my father because he has truly found his best friend but the wedding brought up both happy and nervous feelings, which many children of parents who get married again do face. Here are some of the emotions and thoughts your children might experience during your second marriage:

1. Happiness. They love you and enjoy seeing you happy with someone you truly care about and cares about you. They are looking forward to a great relationship with a new stepparent.

2. Hope. They are hoping that everything works out between you two as well as hoping that the relationship with the new stepparent is a good one, especially if they have had some rough patches.

3. Doubt. If you are divorced, they are probably thinking that if the first marriage didn’t work out, what will make them think that the second marriage will? They may also think you are a hypocrite for even considering being married again.

4. Anxiety. It is a big change for children to see their parent getting married again and may believe that you are trying to replace the other parent and remove them from their lives. They may also think that your priorities may shift from being a parent to being a newlywed.

5. Uncomfortable. It’s weird seeing a parent get married because they never thought that this would be something that they had to go through. They may also feel like they are betraying the other parent, especially if they are included in your wedding party.

6. Closure. Peace can come with second marriages. Children may finally realize why it didn’t work out between their parents and why it is better with someone else. They may also understand the reasons for why a parent would get married again after the death of a spouse.

It is important to talk to your children about these emotions and to not disregard them as silly, irrational or unimportant. Listening to them, explaining and reassuring them that they are still loved and that the other parent is not being replaced is crucial for a smooth transition.

After all, people have a lot of love to give and just because a child has love for a stepparent, it doesn’t take away from their love for their parents.

Have an experience like this to share? Sound off in the comments below!

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

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The Double Standard

Good Morning everyone!

This is a notion that seems to have been placed under unwritten code. It is not something that is foreign to us and I have only started to think about it in light of recent events.

The truth is that we conform to the double standard because we live in a GENDERED society. Many of my friends who are LGBTQ will argue that we live in a heteronormative society, which is unfortunately true.

Men and women act in certain ways because they believe that these are behaviours that are prescribed for their gender. I have lost count of how many times a man and I have both opened a door at the same time and he said “Ladies first”. Usually, I am in too much of a hurry to argue and end up thanking him. In hindsight, what are the implications of such a behaviour? That women must walk in front of a man that can protect them? That men are trying to appease women in spite of both past and present inequality? These are just mere suggestions but the fact of the matter is that this behaviour is not as superficial as one may assume.

One can argue that the man is just being polite but why is it that when a woman opens the door for a man, it is not responded with the same positivity? I am a woman who will gladly open a door for anyone regardless of gender in order to prevent obstruction as well as being polite.

It is hard to picture living our lives in ways that do not prescribe to gender but just think: A human is a human is a human. One can argue that men and women have different body parts that can do things that the other cannot but the truth is that our bodies are more similar than different. We both can live life and create life.

If there are really no significant gender differences, why do we act like they exist? The double standard has extended itself into dating and that’s what gets annoying. The man has to ask the woman out, has to pay, has to drive her, etc. The worse part is that a vast amount of women are okay with these expectations as they appear to benefit them but do they really? These manners only show the dependence of women rather than the independence that women have strived to achieve for centuries.

Ladies and gentleman, let’s not let these gendered social norms affect our lives. Instead of finding a husband or a wife, why not a partner in life?

Ladies, you can pay the bill. Gentleman, you can choose monogamy. Why conform to these ridiculous stereotypes that produce nothing but nonsense?

As I have said before, love is not complicated; people are. However, society complicates these people more than necessary.

Here’s a tip: spoil each other, regardless of gender. You will end up spoiling yourselves as each of you are giving the other person the most that you can give.

I am a heterosexual woman but will refuse to “act like a lady”. Instead, I am a human being who will love someone in my own way.

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother