How to Tell Your Friend that They Are Being Abused

Hello everyone!

It has been a while but The Modern Day Fairy Godmother is officially 4 years old! Thank you to everyone from around the globe for your support and feedback over the years.

I write a lot from the perspective of being in a relationship because I am in one. However, what if you are one of those fortunate people on the outside looking in? It is no easy feat.

I come from a family who only believes that abuse manifests physically. I do not care what they say: emotional abuse is still abuse. More often than not, emotional abuse appears in the exertion of control. These situations are no longer like the ones on Maury where someone orders the person to call them “master” or bow to them. Instead, it becomes evident in little remarks that may seem harmless at first but then have a cumulative effect. This level of control weaves itself subtly into their lives and when they realize it, it could be too late.

I have been in controlling relationships and I also have been the friend that has had to break it to someone that their significant other’s behaviour wasn’t healthy. Contrary to popular belief, the people who enter controlling relationships are not insecure. They are strong leaders who are admirable in their character and confidence. However, they are ONLY insecure in their love lives.

I have lost a friendship  sisterhood over me being honest about her boyfriend. Although I do miss her at times, I do not regret telling her because I would have been a bad friend if I never did. I cannot guarantee that by you confronting your friend, it will go smoothly. I can only tell you the best possible way to get your message across.

Start when they are not talking about their significant other. This is important. When they are ranting and complaining about them, it is so easy to join in and let them know that they are controlling. Don’t you notice that the minute you say this, they get defensive and act like they are the only ones that are allowed to complain about Mr./Ms. Dead-Wrong? That’s why it is best to let them rant and then tell them your feelings another time. Sometimes, people do not want advice but just a listening ear.

Avoid adjectives and if you need to use them, do not be too blunt. By saying that Mr./Ms. Dead-Wrong is controlling, you are opening yourself up to abrasiveness and conflict. One word I like using is “overprotective” or I even use verbal forms, such as “they like to exert a certain sense of control in their lives”. You allow them to feel like they are in a safe space and are not being condescending or demeaning.

Ask questions and rephrase their words. Listening is key and if you are just yelling at them, you are also being the controlling one. Let them express their feelings to you and then rephrase into a question. For example, if your friend says that their significant other does not accept them for who they are, you can ask “Do you want to be with someone who does not accept you?”

Remind them that it is their decision. They are an adult, you should act like one too.

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

 

 

Relationship Myths: What to Keep and What to Ignore

It’s spring, even though it does not feel like it yet. This is the perfect time to fall in love. You avoid those desperate fools looking for a valentine or a New Year’s kiss at midnight. However, being recently single or deciding that it is time can be complicated. Friends and family put so much advice in your way that you may not know which to follow or which to ignore. Here is my list of common myths and whether you should keep them or ignore them:

DO NOT KISS ON A FIRST DATEKeep!

On a first date, you are still getting to know one another and nerves at an ultimate high. Leave them with wanting a little more.

WAIT THREE DAYS AFTER THE FIRST DATE TO MESSAGE THEM-Ignore!

If you are interested, message them that night. People like hearing that you enjoyed the date and want to get to know them better. You will give them a smile going from ear to ear.

THE GUY SHOULD ALWAYS PAYIgnore!

The person who asked someone on a first date should pay for the first date. Otherwise, take turns! Get on that #genderequality

COFFEE DATES ARE IDEAL FIRST DATES-Keep!

They allow you to talk and get to know one another while drinking something warm. If the date is going well, you will find that this person is as warm, if not warmer, than your coffee.

MOVIE DATES MAKE THE BEST FIRST DATES-Ignore

Staring at a screen while awkwardly sitting in seats separated by a bag of popcorn? No, thank you.

DISTANCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER-Keep!

Missing someone brings both of you together. It means that you do not take their presence for granted.

IF THE FIRST KISS DOESN’T GO EXACTLY AS IMAGINED, IT WASN’T MEANT TO BE-Ignore!

Calm your hormones! You are getting used to each other’s different kissing styles. As long as the attraction is there, don’t sweat the head-butts or the in-coordination of your tongues.

YOU SHOULD GET MARRIED BY 25-Ignore!

For most people, life is just getting started at 25 years old. Marry whenever you want.

AVOID ARGUMENTS-Ignore!

If it needs to be said, talk about it! It’s all about communication

NEVER STOP MAKING THAT PERSON FEEL LOVED EVERYDAY-Keep!

Show that person love everyday and you will see happiness for the rest of your life.

Make dating fun. Break the rules and create your own.

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother