Do Not Expect People to Love You How You Love Yourself

Do not expect people to love you.

I am not saying this to be cold-hearted or cynical.

You just should not expect people to love you in the ways you  should love yourself.

Why not make your love for yourself the greatest love?

It is not an easy journey, this is certain.

It is a journey that goes on every day.

But why  fill a void with someone else when you need to be whole in and of yourself?

It is easier, that’s why.

Although it takes great effort, the result is the reward. Love yourself so deeply that another loving you is not only different but complimentary. 

 

Both Teacher and Student

Love was a self-educated concept. 

I grew up in a house that was ruled under an iron fist. The motto was ” Do as I say, not as I do”. I guess they meant well but were they role models for learning about love? Not really.

Everything got framed around a warped definition of unconditional love. The screaming, the derogatory comments, the infidelity, the corporal punishment and the heavy manipulation. Yup, these “mere imperfections” could all be ignored because we all love each other. 

This illogical reasoning allowed me to excuse abusive behaviour from both love interests and relatives. It was only after years of advising others of their own self-respect and self-worth that I had a realization:

I should practice what I preach. 

I got into my 20s, after an extremely emotionally abusive relationship, and I chose to reinvent myself. I soul searched, got into a healthier state of mind and took care of myself, encompassing everything that entailed. 

People called me a bad ass, a bitch, a selfless woman who would only intimidate men. I called it empowerment and that was the truth. 

I don’t let things go too easily, which can be my best quality and my worst fault. However, I don’t accept disrespect, even when my defence is not perfect, but can you blame me? I had to be both student and teacher! 

By learning from myself, I achieved responsibility by owning up to my own mistakes and became my own role model. It is through this imperfect learning process that I take pride in my current success. 

Life’s good but I had to work to make it that way.

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother 

Why Breaking Ties with My Father was the Best Thing to Happen to Me

This Father’s Day had a sting to it. For the first time in over twenty years, my father did not get a warm wish, big hug, or a card with a gift from me. In fact, he probably  had no idea what I was doing today. That is because a little over a week ago, I had cut ties with my father.

I understand the severity of that decision and I had thought about it for almost a month before making it. These past five years, I have been on an emotional roller coaster with my father.  I do not know the person he has become and there has been that inner emotional conflict, resulting from desperately needing the father with whom I was raised. I always held hope that he would want to spend time with me, get to know me and be proud of me. Five years later, I have lost that hope.

Somehow along the way, my father shifted from being involved to being disengaged. I went from hearing his loud whistle at every Christmas concert I performed at to reminding him what I had been studying at university for the past five years. I can no longer have a coffee with him without it turning into a lecture of how I am an imperfect daughter and can never do anything right. Any issue I have with him becomes my fault.

As the result of his actions, he is missing out on many special events in life. He has just missed my graduation and he will miss my future occasions such as getting my first job, my first home, getting married and having kids. The worst thing is that he won’t care. He has become very self-centred and it is not something I can tolerate.

Then, I realized that the horrible relationships that I have been in before mirrored the relationship I had with my father. I sought approval and validation that I lost myself. It took me a while to accept that I am a great person who has truly excelled. I had to learn how to do it without expecting a pat on the shoulder or someone jumping up and down. I had to be happy for myself. I had to break the cycle so that my future children will never experience this.

I have grown quite tired of appeasing everyone and being in my mid 20s, it is about time that I put my emotional well-being first. To all the people who have left abusive relationships, I commend you because it takes so much strength out of you, especially in my case where the love is still there. I have understood that you cannot change people unless they want to change themselves. I have a future ahead of me and I cannot permit toxicity to affect it.

Maybe I should just go love myself.

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

Why they are NEVER out of your league

I have been hearing a lot of people say that “she’s out of my league”, “he’s out of her league”, etc. I remember even in high school, I liked this guy and got bummed about him not liking me back. My (ex-) friend’s excuse? He was out of my league.

I am going to tell you something so extraordinary that it may just blow your mind:

SCREW THE LEAGUE! 

I’m serious. If they can’t embrace the amazing person that is fun, interesting and as nice as yourself, they don’t deserve your time and effort. No one is so almighty that there are limitations on seeing if they are interested in you and if they do think that way, they seriously need a reality check. 

There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you like. However, if you put labels such as leagues around you, you actually, in turn, become less attractive, desirable and unapproachable. Egos don’t help anyone. 

Be confident in yourself and you will attract the right person for you. Superman is my dream man but it was only when I started to truly love myself that I found him. The right person will love you for you because for them, love is not a sport with leagues. Love is for life. 

If it doesn’t work out, don’t blame yourself for something as a bad first date. Learn from it and realize it wasn’t meant to be. 

Sincerely, 

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother 

Trust Yourself

Hey everyone,

Sorry about the late blog post. Getting readjusted  to daily routine is not easy after you come back from vacation. My family and I went to Disney World and Santa Maria, Cuba.  It was much needed relaxation and with new inspiration, I return here.

When I went to Cuba, Superman and I had absolutely no contact with one another (no emails, texts, phone calls, instant messages, you name it!). What we decided to do was to do what Ryan Gosling did in The Notebook: write letters to each other everyday. You hear about your grandparents’ love letters and we are so caught up in technology that these letters became a true keepsake.

One thing Superman pointed out to me before my vacation was that he didn’t believe that my trust was 100% there yet and he was right.  In the past, literally the minute I gave my complete trust to someone, there was a breakup and a betrayal. Part of me wanted to shake Superman and just tell him:

“YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TERRIFIED I AM!”

Then, you slowly realize that he is not like the others and more importantly, you have changed as well. I think that the main root of many trust issues is that we don’t trust ourselves. We have gotten duped, wool placed in our eyes, rug pulled out from under us, whatever analogy you want to use and we start to believe that since it has happened to us before, it can happen again. We start to become private investigators of our significant others, overanalyzing everything they do or say and instead of finding love, we are building walls preventing ourselves from that.

You’ve changed, honey. You have gotten stronger. You were so afraid in your last relationships because you needed a relationship and now, you’re so confident, you don’t need one but want one. Do you know how amazing you are? Yes? Then, if that guy or girl doesn’t know it and hurts you or leaves, screw them! They don’t deserve you.

When you get to know someone, you learn their core values and from that, you start to learn what they DEFINITELY would or would not do. From the start, Superman always emphasized his respect for women; so I knew that if something was wrong between him and I, he would tell me right away and face-to-face.

My greatest fear was that since we didn’t contact each other everyday, we would drift apart. However, in my heart of hearts, I knew that he was writing those letters just as I was and was thinking about me. I knew that our connection was so valuable that he wasn’t flirting with other girls and we were thinking about one another. That’s one thing I noticed: if someone tells you about others flirting with them, they are an honest person and are more so slightly uncomfortable than anything else. If they really enjoyed that attention from others, do you think that they would really care to tell you? I think that they would rather bask in that attention and possibly return it as well.

Trust yourself and trust someone who is being totally genuine. Whenever Superman and I have seen one another, he looks me straight in the eyes and tells me that he notices no one else but me. He constantly tells me how fortunate he is to have me in his life and I feel the same way. Therefore, how could I not trust him?

Cuba made us appreciate one another and made us stronger. We trust one another to not take each other for granted and know that any questions can always be asked.

I have never met anyone who has embodied the Love, Communication, Appreciation and Trust principles like Superman does and am I ever glad that I met him!

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother