If you want change, be different

If you want change, be different

Hello everyone,

It’s been a very long time since I have written on this blog. I wanted to be more effective in writing my love advice and that came from doing some relationship research within my own relationship with Superman.

A relationship that has been long-term and has lasted many years does not establish 100% certainty. You continue to learn and grow with one another. New challenges surface and sometimes arguments can become persistent and cyclical. This is the result of needs not being met.

In order to meet one another’s needs, you can’t assume the other will be a mind reader. It takes listing them out. It takes thoughtful discussion. It takes mutual understanding.

Needs can come from a lot of places. I remember my high school drama teacher starting our first class with “Everyone has baggage. Some of us have large baggage, others have tiny ones but everyone has baggage”. I always thought of baggage as a bad thing, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be. I would consider baggage as part of our personality makeup. Baggage derives from upbringing, education, relationship experience and exposure to different perspectives, among other things. These experiences will shape our needs such as a need for security, intimacy and ego. Even those with seemingly perfect lives will have baggage. Think  about it: those with no conflict in their lives may be simply avoiding it, even healthy conflict!

By understanding one another’s needs, it helps to shape better communication and growth. Someone who has a high security need may enjoy more future-focused conversations (this comes within reason, i.e. parenting skills vs. the colour of table cloth at your wedding). Someone who feels a need to protect their ego may benefit from not being constantly corrected on petty things. It also means if you want to be different from your past and want change, your relationship must also be different from your past and that takes work.

This comes with time but our need for love is balanced with our other needs. When you love someone, you need to love them at their core, unconditionally and endlessly.

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

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We are superior because we are equal

We are superior because we are equal

With the separation of Hollywood’s hottest couple, Beyonce and Jay-Z, one begins to wonder if power couples can be successful. Is there a need for only one person to wear the pants in the relationship or as Patti Stanger from Millionaire Matchmaker says, “Let the man have the penis!” ? Or should a relationship be in the form of a Fifty Shades of Grey S & M style where one must be dominant, the other submissive?

No, there really isn’t a need for a relationship to be that way.

Certainly, most rappers have affairs with back up dancers and proclaim worldwide of their escapades with women who cater to their every need. Maybe if Beyonce said “Yes, Sir” a little more often, there would be no chances of infidelity, right? Wrong.

I don’t know how many times I have been told that guys are intimidated by my independence. I have been submissive before to the point where I have lost myself. That’s when I realized:

“Act like a lady? No honey, act like a MAN!”

I don’t mean that in a way where I impose gender roles. This statement is about having a MATURE relationship. If both people within the relationship are mature, they can take care of themselves and don’t require the submission nor dominance of the other but rather the mutual respect and admiration that forms a strong bond. That’s why Superman and I work: we appreciate one another’s ambition but do not depend on it and when we treat one another to a nice surprise or a romantic gesture, it is because we value one another, not because we need to be taken care of.

We are superior, stellar and amazing because we are equal. That’s what separates the boys and girls from the men and women.

Sincerely,

The Modern Day Fairy Godmother

“Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff”

“Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff”

The best and longest-lasting couples always say this quote or as my 65 year old Italian great-aunt said at a bridal shower a few months ago: “a good marriage only needs lots of love and lots of sex”. That woman caused much laughter that day but the fact of matter is that love is not complicated and it doesn’t need to be.

It is important to address something that bothers you but it is not necessary to make every little annoyance the commencement of WWIII. Not everything is going to be perfect about your significant other and certain things are going to be little quirks that will drive you crazy.

My aunt and my uncle have been married for almost 12 years. My aunt knows that my uncle is stubborn and can be set in his ways. She will put him in his place when needed but the little things he feels so inclined to be right about is when she will just allow him to have his moments and then later ask, “are you done now?”

Want a more personal example? Take Superman and I. Two night ago while watching The Bachelor in Paradise, I was texting him but his responses felt like I had to pull teeth and he would take forever to message back. Instead of being frustrated, I decided to check up on him and ask if he was okay. He mentioned that he was playing a video game with a friend and all I did was laugh while thinking, “He is definitely a guy!” I have a younger brother so this doesn’t phase me. I guess Superman got the hint that I wanted a little more attention and apologized but I also told him that in times like those, I have no problem giving him his space so that more time could be spent talking to me later while encouraging time with friends.

When you don’t sweat the small stuff, you achieve understanding rather than creating strife. Choose your battles wisely. Don’t let anything fester but at the same time, don’t scrutinize every little thing someone does. In this manner, you will both value one another as a whole rather than picking apart only certain things you like.

Sincerely,
The Modern Day Fairy Godmother