They say that the hardest year of marriage is your first. This seems rather ironic given that people often comment that the first year is supposed to simultaneously comprise of the honeymoon stage. So let’s get real.
Why could marriage have a difficult start? Well, maybe because of this:
If you thought you or your significant other did not have any childhood trauma, think again. Even if you did not believe that you had any adverse childhood experiences, you would be surprised at how much your family dynamic has had a negative impact when you are on the outside looking in. Were you perhaps so sheltered that added responsibility became overwhelming? Were you responsible for fulfilling emotional needs that your parents could not provide one another? Were you not allowed to connect with your feelings? Being in an environment that is different than your own will reveal much more than you had ever realized.
Here are some tips that helped us:
- Get premarital and marital counselling. I remember someone told me once that if we needed counselling prior to getting married, we should not be getting married. That could not be further from the truth. If you are going to get involved in a lifetime investment, wouldn’t you want to inform yourself on what your warranty covers? Having tools for communication before you get married and keeping them handy will have you both a step ahead.
- Get educated. Sometimes, you may not even realize your own trauma until you are informed of it. Reading books, subscribing to vlogs and getting some individual therapy will help you see beyond those rose-coloured glasses. A great read is It Didn’t Start With You : How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How To End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn. Although I do not agree with the heavy emphasis on reconcilitiation, especially when it may not be possible, learning more about intergenerational trauma helped me live a better life.
- Get inspired to change. The sentence that is the killer of souls is “This is how we have always done it”. But is it how it should be or is it how it should continue? Change can be scary, especially with relatives who are comfortable with their dysfunctional nature, but breaking cycles means deviating from what everyone has considered the norm. Bruised feelings won’t last too long, I promise.
Being trauma-informed prior to getting married is the best prenuptial assurance you can have. While you may be humming to “Here comes the bride”, you may need to ask yourself what lies inside instead.
Trauma didn’t start with you, but the pain can stop here.
Sincerely,
The Modern Day Fairy Godmother
The Modern Day Fairy Godmother 